My friend sent this to me before I got pregnant and I didn't realize how true it was until I have a baby of my own that I'm trying to breastfeed. I couldn't stop laughing when I read this again today!Forget that old advice about "gently rubbing your nipples with a towel."
If you really want to feel ready to breastfeed, here's what to do.
Day 1: Gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.
Day 2: At bedtime, set your alarm clock to go off every two hours. Each
time it rings, spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples
clamped in a pair of chip clips.
Day 3: Draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker,
then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing "I Feel Pretty."
Day 4: Open your already-crowded freezer and make room for five dozen
plastic milk bags.
Day 5: Fit the hose of a vacuum cleaner over one breast and set on "medium
pile." Turn off vacuum when nipple is three inches long. Switch breasts.
Day 6: Obtain "DO NOT CROSS" tape from your local police station, then
wrap firmly around your chest. When your spouse asks about it, say, "Get used
to it."
Day 7: Tape a water balloon to each breast and squeeze into a maternity
bra. Repeatedly hook and unhook the nursing flaps with one hand while using the
other to balance a sack of squirming puppies.
Day 8: Dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford, making
sure to arrive with a big wet spot directly over each nipple.
Day 9: Record your mother proclaiming, "Just give the baby some cereal
like God intended, and she'll sleep right through the night." Play in endless
loop at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5 a.m.
Day 10: Slather your breasts with peanut butter, top with birdseed, and
stand very still in your backyard.
Day 11: Go someplace public- a museum, a courthouse, the steps of your
office building- and stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. Use the
doll's arm to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. Lower
shirt. Feign nonchalant smile.
Day 12: Suckle a wolverine.
9 comments:
HILARIOUS!! OK that had me laughing out loud. VERY true and VERY funny!
that was hilarious! Obviously I have not experienced that, however I can only imagine how true it is! hang in there!
Oh my gosh, that is SO true. Hilarious funny!
i didn't know I could laugh so hard so early in the morning! so funny! and so true. Seriously, though--how is nursing going for you? hope it is well. hang in there. by month three you will feel like a pro!
EXACTLY why I believe in having a wet nurse
Holy cow I died a little reading that! That is so true and funny and brings back a lot of painful/happy/not sure how to express them emotions.
*big super hugs*
So funny and so true.... especially rubbing nipples with sandpaper. Yikes. And I love #11 too. It's pretty much impossible to discreetly nurse a baby in public who knows how to lift up your shirt...or look around and smile at people. Which of course often results in the pleasant and non-discreet spray. After my babies were a few months old and learned that other people exist besides me, I hid to nurse anytime I could help it. Both of my kids were/are super distractible in all areas of life but particularly nursing/eating.
I loved it. Thanks for sharing. Sometimes it's just good to have a good laugh about something that isn't so easy. Thankfully it does get better after the first couple months. I do enjoy nursing after that time.
Mer, I love it!
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