My most personal post yet

I've been in somewhat of a funk lately, hence the reason I haven't updated my blog in weeks. Today my tears are at the surface due to some infertility issues my husband and I have been experiencing. I may be going out on a limb here by sharing too much delicate information so I apologize if I offend any of you. I've felt like I needed to post this for awhile now but am a chicken and am afraid you'll think I'm crazy for posting something so personal to me. This is long and I apologize in advance, but hopefully you will gain some insight to my situation as you read.

As some (hopefully most) of you know that my husband and I have been trying for over 3 years now to conceive. It has been an exhausting 3 years full of tests, failed IUI's, unsuccessful IVF procedures, heartache, and pain. At the same time it has brought me some joy in the fact that I've learned more about myself and others dealing with infertility than I could have ever imagined. I have found myself to be less judgmental and critical when I see couples who don't have children, which is something I wasn't very good at before. Maybe this is the reason I've had to deal with this. God is sneaky in the ways he teaches us sometimes!

Last summer I was at a family reunion and was talking to my aunt and cousin about my infertility journey. My cousin, who hasn't experienced infertility but has suffered pain in her own way this past year kindly asked, "Mer, give us some advice as to what we should say to friends and family members who are struggling with infertility. What can or can't we say that will/will not offend them?"

I told them some of the naïve and hurtful comments people have said to me but other than that my mind went blank and I wasn't able to give the advice she asked for.

I have been thinking a lot about this question the past year and have come up with some concrete ways to help relate to your loved ones during the painful time. Please don't think I'm on a soapbox telling you what you should or shouldn't say. That is not my intention. Unless you have experienced the trauma of infertility, it is difficult to know automatically how to respond to someone in the midst of it. Hopefully these ideas will help you as I'm sure each of you know somebody who is going through this.

• Don't give blanket advice. If your friend received a diagnosis of brain cancer you wouldn't say, "Go on vacation-that can do wonders for your cancer." Infertility is a medical condition. Going on vacation will not cure or fix the problem. Other things to skip saying to your friend "you're trying too hard", "you're not doing it right", "turn in your adoption papers and you'll get pregnant, or "relax and you'll conceive". They all discount the medical condition and imply that your friends are defective or too stupid to figure out procreation without your help. If I had a dollar for every time I've heard these comments, I'd be a rich woman.
• Understand that handling infertility is a process. Try to be patient -the infertile person needs your acceptance and understanding.
• Share with the couple your concern and support so they know they are not alone. If you are at a loss for words, say so ('I wish I knew what to say I could help in some way. Is there anything I can do?"). Otherwise, silence may be interpreted as rejection or lack of concern. Don't be reluctant to open your mouth for fear of saying the wrong thing. As long as you can convey your feelings of support and caring, most infertile people will understand an occasional tactless remark.
• Avoid asking the infertile woman if she is pregnant. Believe me; she will let you know if and when it happens.
• Respect the couple's need for privacy, but let them know you're there when they might need you or want contact again. An occasional brief call or note can help you stay in touch and let them know you care.
• Be honest in telling of your own pregnancy or that of others. As painful as the news may be to the couple, it is usually better than keeping it secret. Understand that the tears they may shed do not reflect malice, only sadness and anger at their own emptiness.
• Understand that for some people there may be a need to isolate themselves occasionally, especially from events involving children or pregnant women. Baby showers are usually difficult for women dealing with infertility but it's always nice to get an invitation. Please don't hesitate to send an invite but don't expect her to come nor be offended by her absence.
• Try not to offer false hopes ("I'm sure you'll be pregnant by the summer"). Infertile people play enough games with themselves without the additional burden of your denial. Also be careful about sharing the success stories of others.
• Humor has its place in dealing with the struggle of infertility, but do not be the one to joke about it - leave that to the once experiencing it. A remark like "Sorry you're not pregnant, but it sure must be fun trying!" is not only hurtful but probably untrue. Nor should you diminish the impact of infertility by comments like "It's really not so bad. Think how much worse things could be. Did you hear about so-and-so who. ..?"
• Do not say directly or insinuate in any way that the couple's inability to conceive must stem from inner doubts about their desire to have children or must mean that God has not found them suitable for parenthood. Comments like these can be devastating.
• Support the couple's decisions regarding medical treatment or resolution as best you can, even if you do not agree. They probably feel enough turmoil already without you adding your advice -unless of course they have requested it.
• Last but not least, don't ask the infertile couple if they've prayed about their situation. Honestly, do you think we're that dumb?

There you have it! I am a ball of nerves as I'm ready to hit "submit" but I got a lot off my chest and that's the beauty of a blog.